You know who The Customer is. He's the guy in accounting who needs to print a spreadsheet. She's the VP of Sales who gets frustrated when she can't access current sales data. Anyone who has ever opened a virus-infected e-mail is a Customer. Everyone in the HR department is a Customer. The panicked voice on the other end of the phone line trying to explain to you what's wrong with her computer is a Customer.

So, in the fine tradition of my Open Letter to IT Headhunters, I offer you you my Open Letter to The Customer:

Dear Customer:

Let me start by saying that I am truly thankful for you, because without you (and all your computer problems) I wouldn't have a job. That being said, please allow me to offer some free advice on how to take best advantage of my expert IT skills.

First, please DON'T read the e-mails I send out informing you of various things IT. I mean, it's a known fact that we IT professionals would much rather come out to your desk and read the e-mail aloud to you, then have you take the 20 seconds necessary to read it yourself. This point is especially pertinent to those e-mails describing changes to network logons, file shares or printers.

Next, please DO forward to the entire organization every e-mail you get warning about some new virus. That way everyone in the company will be bombarded with e-mails, rather than the one official e-mail IT sends out after verifying whether the virus is real or a hoax.

Third, make sure you call the help desk BEFORE you read the screen, search Help, or peruse the FAQ document that IT spent weeks developing. Why should the folks in IT support spend their time addressing serious network problems when they could be reading a help screen to you over the phone?

Oh, and another thing. Please set aside at least a half-hour of your workday to read a computer magazine (and make sure to dwell on all those cool-looking ads!). Even though knowledge of computer systems is one of the basic qualifications for any IT position, we sure wouldn't be able to figure out what types of hardware and software we should be using without your insightful and unsolicited expert opinions. Besides, it's our job to integrate whatever new PC or technology gadget you want with our existing systemsall without any downtime.

Finally, only mention your opinion of us when things go wrong. We IT professionals already have such large egos, we certainly don't need your pats on the back or words of encouragement. In fact, why don't you make it a point to send an e-mail to our managers only when you are upset with uswe'll be sure to toot our horns the rest of the time.

Thanks again, dear Customer, for making my job such a joyful and rewarding experience. I look forward to many happy years of working together. Or at least until I find a position with another company.

Sincerely,

The IT Guy

What would be in your letter to The Customer? Let me know -- post your comments below.