Ah, the love-hate relationship we have with the various tech support organizations we must deal with. We know we need the answers that often only they can provide, yet we dread the hassles that almost always accompany any tech support call. So read on, my faithful techie compatriots, and commiserate with me as I share some shocking but true stories culled from my many encounters with tech support.

What Model Was That Again?
I was installing an external SCSI CD burner for a client -- this was back a few years, before CD burners became another plug 'n' play ubiquitous peripheral. It just refused to work. In fact, I was called in because none of the regular installation techs from the company I was working for were able to get it working. They actually pulled me off of a huge migration project to deal with this problem.

I called the manufacturer's tech support department.

Auto Attendant: "Thank you for calling Tech Support. Your satisfaction is our goal. We strive to provide the utmost in customer care and service. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Our menu items have recently changed, so please listen to all the following options before making your selection. Thank you. Press 1 for replacement CDs or user manuals. Press 2 to order replacement parts. Press 3 for the temperature of our warehouse. Press 4 for tech support."

I press 4.

AA: "Thank you for calling Tech Support. Your satisfaction is our goal. We strive to provide the utmost in customer care and service. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Our menu items have recently changed, so please listen to all the following options before making your selection. Thank you. Press 1 for printers. Press 2 for closet organizers. Press 3 for CD burners. Press-"

I press 3, but nothing happens. I guess I have to wait until all the choices are listed. I press 3 again. This time it works.

AA: "Thank you for calling Tech Support. Your satisfaction is our goal. We strive to provide the utmost in customer care and service. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Our menu items have recently changed, so please listen to all the following options before making your selection. Thank you. Press 1 for model numbers that begin with S. Press 2 for model numbers that begin with Q. Press 3 if you don't know what model number you have."

I press 1.

AA: "Please enter the numerical portion of your model number, followed by the pound sign."

I follow directions.

AA: "Thank you. A technical support agent will be with you shortly."

Annoying music. More annoying music. Still more annoying music. I'm almost asleep at this point.

Tech Support: "Hello, this is Tom with Tech Support. Can I please get the type of peripheral and the model number?"

Know the Difference Between Business and Consumer?

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling support. How may I help you?"

Me: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm calling from XYZ corp. We're one of your BUSINESS DSL subscribers. It appears that one of your routers is down. Can you please verify this and correct as required?"

TS: "Sure. But first, what operating system are you using?"

Me: "You need to know what OS I am running in order to check one of your routers?! This is a BUSINESS. Our whole corporate network is connected to our BUSINESS DSL line. Can you please check your router?"

TS: "I need to know what OS you are running first!"

Me: "OK, let's see. Windows 2000 Server, Windows 2000 Professional, Windows 98, Mac OS 9, Red Hat Linux 7.1. Here at this BUSINESS we run several OSs. Now can you check your router?"

TS: "Sir, can you please tell me just one operating system-the one that is running on the computer connected to the DSL line."

Me: "Fine. Windows 2000 Server."

TS: "We don't support software issues on Windows 2000 Server. I won't be able to help you."

I hung up at this point. When I called back, I chose the option to speak with sales, instead of tech support. I told the sales rep that we would be canceling our service unless the router problem was fixed. He hooked me up with someone who didn't care what OS I was running, and sure enough, they had a bad port on one of their routers!

Don't Tell Me How To Do My Job!
Another DSL problem, this time with a different provider.

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?"

Me: "Our DSL speed has been way too slow for over two days now. I've run several speed tests, and it appears that our circuit is not provisioned correctly on your DSLAM."

TS: "What's a DSLAM? Is that the kind of DSL modem you have? We don't support that type."

Me: "Well, the DSLAM is what our DSL line connects to in your Central Office. Perhaps I should be talking to someone else, maybe someone who knows a little more about the way your DSL network actually works."

TS: "Thank you, sir. I can help you with that. Please be patient sir while I get more information in this."

More of that annoying music.

TS: "Sir, we'll need to send a technician out to your office to test your DSLAM. What time tomorrow would be good?"

I tried to explain, again, that a DSLAM was located at their office, and that all they needed to do was take a peek at our configuration to verify what speed we were configured for. But, no luck. So we waited for this technician to arrive the next day.

Of course, he never came. So I called support again, and this time the person knew what a DSLAM was, but still wouldn't check the configuration. She promised to call me back in an hour or so after she did more research on the issue.

An hour and a half later, having not heard back from anyone, I called back. I couldn't reach the rep I had talked with before, but the person I did reach offered to help me.

Tech Support: "I see the notes on your issue, sir. It looks like we need to verify that our DSLAM is configured correctly. Just a moment, this won't take but a minute&.OK, I'm back. It was mis-configured. I fixed it, you should be fine now."

Share Your Experience!
I'd love to hear your tech support stories -- post them below. And if you happen to be working in a tech support position, I'd love to hear your comments as well. Just make sure to mention the model number in all correspondence!